It Finally Happened!

     It finally happened! About two weeks ago, I received the most unbelievable message on Match.com. It was short and to the point. I read it twice before it sank in. I just could not believe my eyes. But there it was staring me in the face. It read, “0 Matches Found.”
     Yes, I accomplished the seemingly impossible feat. I exhausted all of my possible matches on Match.com. Even with my extended search range of 100 miles and age range of 35 to 55, there were no matches. None. Nada. Zip. Zilch.
     I hear you saying, “Well, you’re being too picky.”
     No, I’m not. I’m giving a 20-year age range within 100 miles. All hair and eye colors, all body types, except obese, all religions, and a college degree.
     It appears my primary problem is that almost everybody in this state has indoor pets. Over half of my supposed matches were eliminated due to a pet situation.
     Granted, some guys say they will get rid of their pets. But I still couldn’t go into their houses. They would have to rip out the carpets, replace their furniture, clean the house’s ductwork, etc. So, let’s face it, not many men would go through that or have the financial means to do so.

     Not to be deterred, I thought I should try another dating site. So, I signed up for Christian Mingle. Their questions were quite different than those found on Match.

     Would you engage in premarital sex?
     Is my mom running this site?
     Do you believe that the only reason to engage in sexual relations is for procreation?
     Um, no.
     How often ideally would you want to have sexual relations? The answers ranged from “every day” to “never.”
     I plead the Fifth on my answer to this question.
     I am sensing an anti-sex theme here. Seriously? Never? If you want to remain eternally celibate, you should look into becoming a Catholic nun or a priest. They need new recruits.
     Moving on…I particularly loved the questions that revolved around my children, especially since I don’t have any. There was no way to bypass the questions. So, I had to base my answers on the imaginary children that I don’t have and never will have.
     Other questions asked about the woman’s role in the home. Those questions pissed me off. It upset me to think that there are women who are acting subservient to men. That’s an entire blog post in and of itself.
     I found one useful question: How is your timeliness?
     I am always early. If you are habitually late, then you will be literally and figuratively wasting my time. Do us both a favor, do not waste my time.
     There were so many absurd questions, I wish I could share them all. But one of my favorites was: How do you feel about wearing fashionable clothes?
     Oh, just throw a burlap sack over my head, and I’ll tie it around my waist with some twine, thank you. Itchy is all the rage this season!
     The more questions I answered, the more I felt I was falling down a rabbit hole, and I was positive I would end up in Wonderland. Remember, Wonderland was royally screwed up.
     After suffering through the questions and filling out the profile, their system told me I had zero matches. I laughed out loud. No kidding. So, I went to the search feature and altered some criteria. Ten guys popped up. I recognized six of the guys from Match. The others had no pictures. I do not communicate with guys who do not post pictures.
     After five days on this site, I wanted to shoot myself. I did searches to cover anyone breathing and with a pulse within 100 miles. There wasn’t anyone remotely close to what I was looking for in a partner. The majority of profiles had no pictures, and the men lived in rural areas and very few had graduated from college.
     The system sent me profiles to view. Most of the men lived in Illinois or Ohio. Sheesh.
     I was done. So, I called to cancel. The best the girl could do was downgrade my account to one month instead of the original six. Wonderful.
     Obviously, some people have found that site successful. I am happy for them. Sorry to say that I was not one of them. Based on my experience, I would never recommend Christian Mingle.

     Since that went so poorly, I joined eHarmony. So far, that site is a dud too. I had no matches again. But this site will not let you search for people. Their computer does the work and sends you matches.
     Really, there is no way to search. Instead, you keep answering questions. I answered 290 questions. Yes, I answered that many. I’m just sitting on my couch watching television on a Saturday night, so why not?
     I got messages saying, “So-and-so is just outside of your parameters.”
     The majority of men were from other states. Not neighboring states like Illinois or Ohio, but states such as Texas, New Jersey, Florida and California.
     The ones that really astonished me were incompatible based on our answers. If we answered 67% of the questions differently, we are not a match. But those were the profiles the computer kept sending me.
     This service was the most expensive. And this was pissing me off. So, I wrote their Customer Service people a nasty-gram.

     “You only send me ‘matches’ who are outside of my parameters. What is the point of answering all of the questions if you ignore them when matching people? I’m getting ‘matches’ when over 50% of our answers differ. Those aren’t matches.
     And I am not interested in anyone who lives out of state. You repeatedly send me guys who live all over the country. How can I get you to stop sending me people who live out of state? It’s ridiculous. I’m not looking for a pen pal. I’m looking for a mate.
     So far, this service has been a waste of time and money. What are you going to do to make this a better experience for me?”
     And I waited. I am not sure what type of response I was expecting. I just wanted to notify them that their computer algorithms sucked, and I was not happy. Less than twelve hours later, I received a response.
     “Our goal is to find matches for you that are compatible with your unique personality in deep and important ways. We do this by using the results of your relationship questionnaire to screen for individuals based on the 29 Dimensions of Compatibility.
     We understand that you won’t feel a connection with all of your matches. Although we put a lot of emphasis here in the early stages of being matched with someone, establishing chemistry only accounts for a portion of what makes a relationship last and is only something you can determine once you get to know someone. We caution you from trying to make such an early assessment from just the match detail information.
     Please be assured that you will no longer receive matches outside your distance setting.”

     I wish I had a pair of hip waders to trudge through that pile of BS.

     Just when I thought all hope was lost, I received an email from Match. Apparently, since all of the kids in Indiana have gone back to school in the last two weeks, there has been a considerable influx on the number of new Match members.
     So, for now, I’m back to the bachelors on Match. Gentle readers, I know you enjoy these posts, but nothing would make me happier than to have a reason to stop writing them. Wish me luck!

Copyright © 2014 by Suzanne Purewal

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15 thoughts on “It Finally Happened!

  1. Yes Su, your mom IS running this site. Her and Mr Orwell’s Big Brother. You didn’t know? They’re a bit pervy, (plus they want to know if you are too, so they can match you with a nice pervy young man somewhere) so they want to know all that personal stuff.

    I’d love to know what they thought a woman’s role around the home is. Wonder Woman springs to mind. And on wearing a burlap sack, I think Raquel Welch once said she could make a dress out of one, and still look good. Raquel isn’t the only one, although my wife doesn’t have one of those in her extensive wardrobe. When I was single I didn’t know what I wanted in a wife. Now that I know what I want, I’m already hitched and we have to discuss everything before she tells me why her answer is no. Not all the time mind you, just enough to keep me …I believe the word you used was “subservient.” Oh. Strike that. I mean, “on my best behavior.” In her defense she is Wonder Woman, and she works hard trying to make me happy in her way. We just celebrated 22 years, and she hasn’t kicked me to the curb yet. Some good, some less good. But we promised “for better or for worse.” So I should anticipate a mix over time. For our anniversary dinner last weekend, we went out. The fish fingers were very good.

    And her eyes were as beautiful as ever.

    You’ll find him. I know you will. Blessings!

    • Mitch – My wife and I were at the Avett Brothers concert earlier this summer and sat near a couple who told us that they found each other on Craigslist. They were both covered in tattoos and piercings, but seemed quite content. Buyer beware!

  2. I can’t imagine being in your shoes right now, Suzanne. Kay and I have been together since 1958… which is 56 years, if you do the math. We were married officially for 50 of them the first of this month. We were babies together. High school sweethearts of the most trite description,,, “she was 16, I was17…da da da dah.”

    Thru the years we’ve both noted how as we evolved as persons, as well as matured into adults, we’ve felt at times as if we were married to different spouses. Sometimes we evolved into people so different that we hardly knew one another. Often, this meant re-exploring our new personas, make decisions as to whether the new relationship could stand, or if we should go separate ways.

    I had always battled with images of men/women which were totally inconsistent with the real world. Mind you, my mom was a hopeless romantic, and she read books from the early half of the century in which the hero or heroine found their “one true love.” From about the 4th grade on, I stole away with her books (usually desperate to feed my voracious appetite for print) and read each one. Of course, “Gone With the Wind” was in this group, but the “Foxes of Harrow” was much racier, and I really got into it. My mom was appalled when she found I had read it. But did go on a quest for my one true love…..

    Of course, the Catholic Church also taught me that the perfect woman was the Virgin Mary. When I met Kay, I thought I had found my own version of the church’s requirements and that I had also found my one and only. However……. at 17, I was a pretty normal male, with a truly adequate libido. Forces around me began to collide in my head (and body). The ensuing war that went on in body and soul was horrible. How does one “get it on” with a saint? How does one avoid the complex psychological state of a desire to be pure, keep one’s partner “pure” while in a perpetual state of blue balls?

    Were time travel possible, I’d shoot myself before going back to then.

    For a long time, about the only way to meet prospective mates was through being “fixed up” by friends who tried to force you into their own fantasy of how you’d be happy, trolling bars looking for singles, joining singles clubs, church groups, health clubs… even taking classes at night. (I did this once at Lafayette art center, and promptly got hit on by THREE different horny housewives, who did not believe I was really there to learn sculpture! (one woman was in her 30’s and already had 8 kids… not hard to understand why… and can you say ‘Venus fly trap”?).

    If I were young and looking today, I think I’d enroll in a college class, and look for one which I knew I’d enjoy, and that was likely to be populated by the opposite sex. I’d form a study group. You learn a lot about people by what they like to learn, how they go about it, how they communicate, what they value.

    I don’t trust the on-line stuff. I had a friend who has a wife who is paralyzed. He’s strongly driven as a male, and missed the physical side of his relationship. His wife begged him to find someone who would be the infamous “friend with benefits.” She actually gave her blessing. He went looking, even trying “Adult Friend Finder.” He said there were LOTS of opportunities there, but at the same time it was going to require wading through a cesspool to get to where he wanted. He gave up, and now just lives with his frustration. Sad.

    There’s a good chance that Craig’s List is about as good as any of the paid services. I read it sometimes for laughs, sometimes out of curiosity, sometimes because the social scientist training in me compels to me look at what a cross section of the modern dating community looks like.

    In the end, though,I think the advice my wife gave me in my early 60’s may be the best I’ve heard. Both of us spent large chunks of our lives trying to meet other’s expectations of us… to no avail. She broke free first, and after she did so, she pinned my ears back one day and said… “Think about it, dumb-ass… what is your passion?” I said “the arts. music, writing, sculpting, building…” and she said, “… then find a way to put these in your life!”

    So, I guess I’m saying, go to those places where you share passions with those who are there. Think clear down to your own core and ask yourself where you will find someone whose core is like your own.

    I did. I’ve been gloriously happy ever since I did this. Turns out it was my partner of 56 years. And our relationship has never been better.

    Follow your passions, kid.
    (I get to say that because I’m 72, and you’re not!)

    • Thanks, Vince! I needed that. Thank you for sharing your personal experiences. I appreciate it, and I envy you because of it. I’ll admit I have been distracted for the better part of a year. And it’s taken its toll on me artistically and creatively. Maybe you’re hinting there are some new guys at our writers’ group I need to check out! 😉 I am going to make a serious effort to get to the next meeting. Thank you again, my friend! Your words have impacted me more than you know.

  3. Suzanne, I know many people who are intelligent, able to participate in very meaningful conversations on many subjects, are well informed, present themselves well in public and in more private situations, many are doing very well financially, and which Have demonstrated their ability to do well in a variety of endeavors, who do not have college degrees.
    Years ago my Dad was to speak in front of a group and the person who was to do the introduction didn’t know Dad, so he asked for a few details. When Dad mentioned his college degrees, the man stopped him and said he had enough info.
    He concluded his brief introduction with, “he has several degrees, but so do thermometers and we all know what doctors do with thermometers.”

    • Mark, I know plenty of people are successful without college degrees. They’re just pieces of paper after all. However, several times, men have expressed their concern that I have a Masters degree and they don’t. For some men, it’s a real problem. For the record, I have gone on dates with men who haven’t graduated from college. So, I am flexible on that.

      I’m not sure who the guy was who introduced your dad, but it was rude of him to say what he did. I’m sure his verbal disdain for your dad’s education got a laugh from the audience, but still, not very nice to insult your guest speaker.

      • Suzanne, I agree with you about that introduction of Dad, but I know the story for years because Dad told it often, and it often got laughs. Dad spent his life helping people laugh, and if the joke was on him, he just turned it to advantage to help others feel better.

        Laughing really does help to make life better.
        I have been single since Sept, 11, 2001. I am open to, and would like to have a serious relationship, possibly marry again, but I am just living and enjoying life, meeting people and growing.

        I am sure of one thing about any serious relationship with a women. She must be someone who really wants to be with me, but also someone who does not need to be with me.

  4. I like the suggestion above in regards to “hanging out” at events or in places that are of interest to you. You appear pretty diverse, so it would seem that this would be something that would offer many opportunities.

    The one thing that I have told several people, especially back in my college days, was that I usually found what I was looking for when I quit trying so hard to find it. Misplace my keys, desperately search for them, and give up, and end up sitting on them. “Ow! What the … Oh.” 
    It happens more than I care to admit. So, seek out and enjoy the things that you enjoy, enjoy the day for what it brings, and you never know what/who may walk into your life. Love WILL walk into your life again, probably when you least expect it.

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