Finding My Way

     The last poem I posted, Harvest Day, was written during the darkest time in my life, my unexpected divorce. That’s right, it was worse than going through cancer. Not to minimize the hell that cancer was, because that ordeal was horrible. I knew I would beat cancer. But I did not think I would survive the divorce. I couldn’t sleep or eat. And although I lost a lot of weight, I do not recommend divorce as a weight-loss program!
     Eventually, I climbed out of the pit of despair and rejoined the land of the living. I wrote Finding My Way during that arduous climb.

Finding My Way

Through heavy fog,
I wander aimlessly.
Not by choice.
Feeling my way as I go.
Trudging as if wearing concrete shoes.
Battling constant friction.
Determination drives me,
Slowly onward.

A breeze blows from…
The south?
No.
From the west?
No, wait…
Seemingly from all directions.
Unexpected.
But not unwelcome.
The dense air dissipates,
Revealing a different world.

Crystalline sky.
Cotton ball clouds.
An ethereal arrow points north
Toward a motley meadow—
Greens, reds, yellows and blues.
The dark, murky quagmire of the past
Pales in comparison
To what awaits.
An easy decision.
I wrestle out of the crippling shoes.

Barefoot, I wiggle my toes.
It’s now or never.
I propel my body forward.
One step.
Then another.
Fresh crisp air.
Invigorating. Empowering.
Negative energy expelled with each breath.

A light sun shower begins.
Cool at first.
Warming gradually
Into a flood of happiness.
The dawn of a genuine smile.
Twirling until dizzy,
I fall to the ground,
Laughing.
Bathed completely.
Pain and sadness washed away.
Yielding, I gaze into the sky
And feel the radiant sun,
Penetrating deeply.
The warmth replenishes my soul.
Joyfulness fills my heart.
Contentment eases my mind.

As day transitions into night,
A twinkle—
No, a sparkle—
Lights up in the sky,
Like a firefly.
Flitting here and there.
Heaven sent.
The luminary intensifies.
Finally, it is time to move on,
To a place where dreams are realized,
Not dashed,
And happiness abounds.

Copyright ©2012 Suzanne Purewal

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6 thoughts on “Finding My Way

  1. I love this Suzanne!
    A few years ago, I experienced a breakdown of a close friendship. My husband and I worked with the couple, I’d lived with her previously (before we both got married) It was a 15 year deep friendship, and then it all fell apart. That was more stressful and took a greater toll on me than watching my husband fight for his life with pancreatitis, an MS diagnosis, infertility, and my Mum dying of cancer. Those were all major things. I don’t belittle their pain either. They were and are painful. But the breakdown of a close friendship, the accusations, the lies, that was hard because part of my support system was lost in the process. I can only imagine how much harder that must be in the case of divorce. You do a great job of describing your experience in this poem.
    Thank you for sharing it. Rachel

    • Thank you for sharing, Rachel. I’m sorry you had to go through all of those hardships. I agree that it has a lot to do with losing part of your support system. In my case, it was 20 years. My entire adult life, spent with a man I no longer knew or recognized. Trust lost, friendship lost, love lost. It was one heck of a trifecta.

      And so my quest for an honest, decent, intelligent man continues!

  2. Suzanne, I too went through a painful divorce. Haven’t married since. I have trust issues with people and don’t need to learn my lessons twice. I am happy single and free today. Thank GOD for his many blessings. So sorry you had to go through a divorce as well. GOD Bless… Paula

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