Many of you wondered if I cancelled my Match subscription. Yes, I did, for a little while. But like a moth to a flame, I went back. Some of the old faces were still there. But there was also a new batch of men from which to choose. So, today’s “Mis-Matched to Miss Matched” installment will be about the new breed of guys on Match.
First up is a man claiming to be 50. However, he looked more like 65.
In his first e-mail, he said, “Science and technology are also a substantial part of my life, I’m on my third 3D printer as well as having machining capabilities in my garage. I do have one minor abnormality I should probably tell you about antlers yep antlers thought they were horns but they fall off every spring. Kind of sucks in the fall I have to stay in, damn hunters. I like watching football so it’s not all bad. Right now I look perfectly normal but in a month or so they’re start to grow back. I’ve had people think there were tumors but nope antlers. It could be worse just ask my brother Rudy.”
Do I want to know what he is making with those 3D printers? What’s frightening is that he actually wore out two of them, so he is on his third. Ponder that a minute.
As far as shape-shifting into a reindeer is concerned, reindeers do not turn me on. If he had said he could morph into a unicorn, then that would have piqued my interest. I could have definitely made it work with a unicorn!
The next unlucky bachelor was 60 and lived in Florida.
“Your profile is very intriguing…but you might be too young and immature for me.”
I agree with the young part. The insult on my maturity was uncalled for. Do women respond to that? Does anyone? Oh, the things I wanted to write! But I took the high road.
I responded, “Thank you for your interest. But the age difference would be an issue. I wish you luck finding a match.”
“Same to you. The age diff would likely be an insurmountable challenge. Maybe you will mature. Or not…likely.”
I think I will call him a “verbal abuser.” That guy has issues. I can only imagine what insults he would hurl in person.
The next bachelor’s profile stated he was 48. In reality, he was over 50. He admitted that during our first phone call. He said no one responded to him when he claimed his real age. He also told me that he had an additional child that he did not include in his profile. His older kids were teenagers. But he had a fling with a 20-something and now has a toddler too.
He boasted about his high IQ and his accomplishments. His accomplishments were many, and I believe he will continue to contribute to his field of study and beyond.
However, things went askew during the second phone call when he started telling me about his sex life. Brace yourself, people.
He claimed to have had sex with over 300 women. No, that’s not a typo. He liked having a harem. Back in the day, he had approximately ten women in his harem at a time. They all knew about each other. So, in his mind, that made it acceptable.
He stated, “I expect sex on the first date. My success rate is 87%.”
Stunned, I answered, “I would never have sex with someone on a first date.”
“Then you wouldn’t get a second date.”
“That’s fine because I wouldn’t want to go out with someone who demands sex before we even know each other.”
He bragged, “And I never use protection. I’m allergic to latex.”
Disgusted, I replied, “I can’t even imagine all of the diseases you have or have had.”
He shrugged it off. “Nothing that a pill or a shot in the ass couldn’t fix.”
Repulsed, I said, “You’ve got to be kidding me.”
Then he admitted, “Well, I do have herpes. But everybody has herpes.”
I argued, “No, they don’t! I don’t have herpes!”
Nonchalantly, he commented, “It’s nothing anyway.”
Oh. My. God!
Then he decided to tell me the craziest thing he had done sexually.
Trust me, it was bad. Really bad. Gross, disgusting bad. Bad enough to make my body involuntarily shiver as I covered my mouth in disgust. I am glad I heard it over the phone. I can only imagine what my reaction would have been in person.
When I refused to meet him, he got really angry. I was worried of catching something just being in the same room with him.
The next “conversation” was via texting. He proceeded to insult me at length and used statistics to justify his generalizations about me. He pontificated on and on about how I was the one with problems, not him.
I argued, “You’re way off base. I’m not an ice princess nor am I mentally ill. I’m just not interested in being part of your wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am harem club.”
Ignoring me, he continued, “I know my assessment of you is correct. I can base my conclusions on my experience. Since my sample size is so large, statistically, my results and conclusions are valid.”
I pointed out, “But the women you attract are not a good cross-section of the entire female population. Your results are skewed because of it.”
“No. I’m always right about women.”
And that was the end of that.
The irony was that I felt sorry for him. Several women in his life disappointed him early on. The trend continued, and in essence, broke him. He was unfulfilled and angry at the world. Believe it or not, I did say a prayer for him. He is never going to be happy travelling down the road he is on. I hope he eventually finds peace.
The last bachelor in today’s episode was an artist.
His first e-mail read: “Marry me.”
Jokingly, I replied, “If you didn’t have dogs, I’d consider it.”
“I don’t have dogs. It’s a typo.”
Technically, it was not a typo. You have to pick a selection from a menu. If you do not have pets, you skip the section.
Then he sent me a list of his deal breakers:
“Heres my deal breakers….what are yours?
1.) Alpha personalities (which are usually validated through tough ., hypervigilance, and worldly experience) then usually manifest out into a reactionary temperamental disposition which culminates in “not so good” communication, hurt feelings, and an emotional withdrawal from the gentle, nurturing, tenderness and understanding that a relationship needs to galvanize a good foundation.
2.) Country Music (love the lyrics, don’t like the redundant “twang”) i.e. it’s too “traditional” and not “out of the box-ish”.
3.) Tacky low-rent tattoos
5.) OCD ( obsessive-compulsive disorder
6.) Manics and hypomania
7.) A foul mouth (the “f” word etc)
8.) Slow-progressive-placated functional alcoholism (when a person is slowly on their way to an addiction through self -medicating with liquor).
9.) Anything KARDASHIAN. (The Kardashians represent a very self-entitled, self preserving, materialistic, ostentatious way to be as a human being.)
Everything else I can work with …………….. giggles”
I admit, I agree with most of the items on his list. However, the two that were issues for me were “alpha personalities” and “competitiveness.”
He sent me a link to an article he wrote about women. He wrote, in part, “…one of the most revealing and toxic awakenings in our culture today: The emergence of the Alpha personality in women and it’s pervasive influence in the symbiotic growth of the union of woman and man.”
Wow! And double wow! I just got thrown back to the 1950s. And the editor in me wanted to correct his errors, but I left them.
I did not lose to boys on purpose when I was young, and I am certainly not going to start doing that now.
I was taught to always do my best. That way you challenge yourself and others. Sometimes you win. Sometimes you lose. Not everyone goes home with a trophy. It also taught us sportsmanship and how to win and lose gracefully.
The competitor in me could not resist responding to the notion of acquiescing at all times. I typed, “As far as being competitive goes, I won’t lose to a man on purpose. If a guy’s ego is that fragile, then he’s not for me.”
I knew his reply would be negative because I was goading him. Oh, shame on me!
“i really dont care for your statement … this tells me theres an unecessary competitive streak in you that im not gonna dig. ..take care”
That is perfectly fine by me because the last time I checked, the year was 2016.
I believe that some friendly competition is perfectly acceptable in any healthy relationship. Remember to always celebrate each other’s strengths and triumphs. Do not dwell on the negatives or weaknesses. Build each other up!
To borrow the Army’s old slogan, “Be All That You Can Be.” Life is too short to do anything else.
Copyright © 2016 by Suzanne Purewal