Mis-Matched to Miss Matched

Slide2Welcome to the first installment of “Mis-Matched to Miss Matched!” In this blog series, I will describe my dating adventures with Match.com. The dating world has changed a great deal in twenty years. Not for the better, mind you. And I wouldn’t have believed some of these things myself, had I not lived through them.

Never in a million years did I ever think I would have to resort to online dating. But alas, I found that meeting men any other way was virtually impossible. Pun not intended. So, I bit the bullet and signed up for Match.com. I opted for the six-month deal with the guarantee that if I didn’t find anyone in that time period, I would get another six months free. That plan cost about $100. I figured it was a good investment, if I got a husband out of it. It took about an hour to complete my profile. Then, I went “live.”

I did not anticipate the barrage of likes, winks, favorites and emails. Monitoring and managing my account was a full-time job for the first two weeks. Apparently, that’s what happens with “fresh meat.” Unfortunately, many of the “wanna be” suitors looked like they lived in the back hills of Kentucky in an underground bunker with enough firepower to survive the apocalypse. I kept hearing banjo music in my head as I scanned the photos. Seriously. (My apologies to any readers who are gun owners, are from Kentucky and/or are bluegrass music fans.)

And don’t get me started on the shirtless pictures. Or the bathroom pictures. Or the blurry pictures. Everyone who has a cell phone has a camera. All they had to do was hand their phones to a friend and have him/her take a decent picture. Then again, perhaps these guys don’t have friends…that would explain a lot!

I did not respond to any of the likes, winks or favorites. I decided if a guy was too lazy to send me an email, he wasn’t worth my time. So I sorted through the email candidates. They ranged in age from 24 to 79. And they lived all over the country.

Here is a taste of what I experienced in my first week of email exchanges.

Bachelor 1 was a 27-year old sales representative living in Indianapolis.
Bachelor 1: “Your eyes are beautiful. I would love to meet you.”
Me: “Thank you. I’m flattered. But I’m old enough to be your mother. You need to find someone your own age.”
Bachelor 1: “I don’t mind. You don’t look old.”
Me: “But I am older. You’re young and good-looking. I am sure you can find someone your own age. There are some great places around town that have live music and attract people your age.”
Bachelor 1: “You are sweet and helpful. I really want to meet you.”
Me: “I’m sorry. No. I’m too old.”
Bachelor 1: “I like that you’re older. I could use a teacher.”
Me: “Definitely not. No. Look for someone your own age and have fun. I wish you luck finding a match.”
Bachelor 1:  😦

Bachelor 2 was a 49-year old model living in Kentucky.
Bachelor 2: “I am impressed with your beauty and intelligence.”
Me: “Thank you. I see you are a professional model. What type of modeling do you do?”
Bachelor 2: “All types of modeling. Do you have a full-length picture you can send me?”
Me: “I don’t have any full-length pics. The ones I posted in my profile are recent.”
Bachelor 2: “Your face is beautiful but I won’t talk to anyone unless I see a full-length pic. I’ve been disappointed too many times.”
Me: “I am about 5’7″ and weigh 130 pounds.”
Bachelor 2: “Thanks for that but I need to see how you carry it.”
Thinking to myself, This guy is a shallow jackass. Unfreaking real.
Me: “Well, I’m sure I would pass your test. But I have surgical scars, and I’m sure you’ll find those totally unacceptable. Good luck finding a match who meets your standards.”
No response from Bachelor 2. No surprise there!

Bachelor 3 was a 48-year old sales rep living in Indy.
Bachelor 3: “Wow! I want to meet you.”
Me: “Thank you. But my profile clearly states that I am severely allergic to animals, and I won’t date anyone who has an animal. You have two dogs.”
Bachelor 3: “So we could be perfect soulmates but because I have dogs you won’t meet me?”
Me: “Right. Sorry. I wish you luck finding a match.”
Bachelor 3: “Screw you. You look sickly anyway.”
Yikes! I’m sensing abusive tendencies and anger management issues.

I finally found one that passed the email test. So, Bachelor 4 gave me his full name and links to his business website, etc. So, I looked him up. He was a 45-year old millionaire, and I was impressed with his resume. I agreed to meet him at Panera for “coffee.” I don’t drink coffee, so I ordered a lemonade. Remember that impressive resume? That’s all that was impressive. He talked on his cell phone the entire time he was in line waiting to order. Then he texted the entire 40 minutes of our “meet and greet.” Well, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out why he was divorced.

So, back to Match.com it was for me!

Bachelor 5 was a 47-year old fireman living in Carmel.
Bachelor 5: “I see you love National Parks. We seem to have a lot in common.”
Me: “Sorry, but I’m allergic to animals. I wish you luck finding a match.”
Bachelor 5: “Wow!!! I’ve never been called an animal before. So how can you say that if you haven’t even met me yet?!?”
Me: “Lol. Nice sense of humor. But you have a cat, and I’m allergic to animals.”
Bachelor 5: “I knew what you meant. Just wanted to see if you’d type back. Best of luck to you.”
Me: “Thanks! The same to you!”

And that, my dear readers, is just the tip of the iceberg. Stay tuned for the next installment, “The Lewd, the Crude and the Ugly.”